Cutting Off 101

How to do it well.

Things never end in the ways you expect them to. Your husband gets cancer two years before your 50-year anniversary. Your job gets terminated because of the installation of a new AI software that can do your job better than you can. You’re forced to move churches because the pastor you had such high hopes for turned out to be less-than-ideal when it came to his marital fidelity. You can plan all you want. Life, as it always does, will laugh at it.

The odd thing about life is that we believe things will last far longer than they almost always do. We have a bizarre sense of immortality that molds and shapes the way we see the world. All humans desire control. Control over different things, to be sure- but control nonetheless. The greatest fear of humans is uncertainty. The greatest lever to fight against uncertainty is control.

This sickening thing about this desire for control, much like Sisyphus rolling his boulder up the hill, is that, just when we feel as if we’re getting close, the boulder rolls back down the hill. Just as soon as we feel like we’re ready to land the plan, the emergency light flashes. Just when we thought we were out, something pulls us back in. Control is very capable of getting you most of the way there. The sick irony of control is that it is never capable of getting you all the way there.

This presents humans with a conundrum- what should we do knowing that we can’t control the outcome of things when we so desperately want to? How tightly should we hold something knowing that we can’t, largely, hold it at all? Perhaps most importantly at all- knowing that we can control hardly anything, how much quicker would we be to take action to avoid the inevitable hurt on the other side?

This is the dance we must engage in with a good number of things, particularly the things that matter the most. When to stay, and when to go? When to control, and when to let go? We face these decisions all the time. The only thing that matters, really, is the level of intentionality we engage in when making them. Most people don’t make it far in life because of a lack of hard work or intelligence. What really kills people, what really sets most of us back, is a lack of intentionality. When that goes away, so do most of your chances of achieving anything.

The biggest way this dynamic has been made manifest for me recently is with close friendships. Currently, I’m in the process of leaving a 20+ year friendship with multiple people. This is something that I have put off for a long time. I’ve received multiple warning signs from people that I’ve trusted over the years. These people do not want the best for you. They’re not interested in you. They’re only interested in them. They do not care.

I ignored all of these warning signs. Why? Because I wanted to control it. I didn’t want to let those friendships go. I was a coward. I didn’t want to have that conversation, at that time, with those people- period. I am typically not one to avoid confrontation. In fact, I think I do better in confrontation than most people. Yet, the thing I loathe the most is knowing that I don’t control the outcome. I want things to be my way. When they’re not, it makes me feel alone, isolated, and weak.

But, as life often does, I have been reminded of the truth over the past few months and have come to a decision- they need to go. They are exactly what the people in my life who I trust have characterized them as. They are, to put it mildly, not who I thought they were. They do not have my best interest at heart. They are, when you measure them up, a net-negative in my life. This is a sad reality, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is THE reality of what is going on.

Given this, there is something that needs to happen- both with me in this situation, and more than likely a similar situation in your life. It is a phrase that has become all too common in our culture, but one that carries a significant amount of importance when it comes to how to effectively navigate life’s relationships. Even though its use has become drastically overstated, its value, when done properly, is incredibly effective:

Cutoff.

That word carries a ton of connotation along with it. My interpretation? Like many phrases and words in the English language, it has been perverted and pimped out to such an extreme that its meaning has become diluted. For the longest time, I thought it was so much so that the conversation itself had become harmful.In many ways, I still believe this to be true. Cutoff is a harsh thing. It is a permanent thing. It is a divisive thing.

Yet, there are certain instances where cutoff is warranted. There comes a point in time where mere tolerance doesn’t do you- or them- any sort of service. In some certain instances, you need to have tough conversations to preserve what is most valuable- most notably, your future, and what you want for it. The quality of your life is directly correlated with the quality of your relationships. If you want a good life, you must be sure that good relationships remain at the forefront of your worldview.

So then, this begs a question- if cutoff is a rare, but sometimes useful, societal convention, when should you use it? When is a good time to cut off, and when is a bad time to cut off? How much should you do? How should you do it? These guardrails are very important. I have done all of them incredibly poorly most of the time. The goal and hope of this article is that you become better than me at doing so. In my estimation, there are three rules of cutoff that are tremendously valuable and helpful in helping you navigate and preserve both your sanity and most quality relationships. Both are important, and both are intertwined.

Cutoff Rule Number One: Cutoff should be rare.

Cutoff is a very hard thing for most people- including you, more than likely- to wrap your brain around. A relationship has come to an end. Not just an end, but a decisive end. It suddenly was, then it wasn’t. It was going strong, and then it was over. This is disorienting for anyone in most any scenario- including you, if you’re being fair to the other person. Change is hard, particularly relational change.

Given this, you should be very careful when you deploy a cutoff. You’re going to hurt someone. You’re also going to hurt yourself. It’s a brutal thing to do, even if it may be a necessary thing to do. There are going to be a lot of feelings involved, including ones towards people you never thought would exist. Prepare yourself. They will be there.

All of that being said, a golden nugget to remember- you should probably wait longer than you think to cut them off. Notice that I did not say you should wait longer than you need. You shouldn’t wait too long to engage in a cutoff. That will result in more injury than necessary and create more resentment than you need towards the person. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Moreover, don’t do that to yourself. It’s not worth it.

Be the bigger person. Give the other person chances. Be direct. State what you want out of the relationship. When they fall short, lovingly let them know- as YOU would want to be lovingly let known when you did a similar thing. Give them a chance to redeem themselves when they let you down. I did not do this well, and it has cost me severely. Do not follow in my footsteps.

The problem with a lot of people- in particular, young people- today when it comes to cutoff is that they don’t give out any chances or any grace to people in this domain of life. They burn bridges before cutoff happens. They go scorched earth on people who “wronged” them with no chance of reconciliation. In other words, they move towards the cutoff too soon. This is a mistake, one that I have made countless times. This is not good, and should not happen nearly as much as it has. Give them, and yourself, more time than you think. However, when you must, be decisive and strong. Cut them off.

Cutoff Rule Number Two: When you cut someone off, do so respectfully.

This is, far and away, my biggest mistake when it comes to cutoffs. I am, despite the work that I’ve done on my mental health and the chip- see, boulder- on my shoulder mentality, still a bit of a spiteful jerk. I defend myself a bit too much and a bit too aggressively for my liking. When someone angers me, I spare no expense to let that person know about it.

This has been, to put it mildly, a massive self-own. I am a bit, if not more than a bit, of a Drama King when it comes to these things when someone makes me upset. I take things personally. So, therefore, I want to pay it forward to the person to make them hurt personally. This is both emotionally immature and socially stupid. It is not constructive at all. Do not do this.

So, when you move to cut someone off, do not make a show of it. Do not succumb to theater. Don’t try to make a point. Remember, you’re cutting this person out of your life for your own purposes, not to draw attention to yourself. In fact, that would be the opposite of what you’re trying to do, which is what my narcissistic brain too often sniffs out when I’ve been in these types of scenarios. It might feel good in the short term, but it is destructive in the long term.

Stand firm. Be strong. And, most importantly, be respectful. Even if that person does not respect you in return (which is probably why you’re cutting them off in the first place) that does not mean you need to go eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth. Do not stoop to their level. Instead, as a parting gift to them, show them what a new, and better, level looks like.

In this way, you will teach them an even greater lesson than you would by simply sticking it to them in a spiteful and vengeful manner. That lesson? Treat others better than you treated me. Work on yourself. Hurt people hurt people. You do not have to degrade yourself in order to make yourself feel better by being tempted to degrade another person.

The best revenge- and really the only revenge- is a quiet and humble success. Not only in how you do after you remove the person, which is a given. But rather, in knowing you’re better off without that person having a hold on your life that you don’t wish to maintain. You’re in that spot for a reason, and you want to get out of it for a reason. Don’t give that person, or you, another reason to cling on.

Cutoff Rule Number Three: After the cutoff occurs, make it permanent.

There is a reason why the phrase “cutting off” is what it is. Cutting something apart from something else is a permanent process. Glue and staples can help manage the damage. But it cannot undue what’s already been done. Cutoff is permanent- and it should be. There is a large difference between managing the relationship versus cutting off the person within the relationship. One is temporary and fixable. The other is permanent and UNfixable.

The finality of cutoff is what makes it, for most, so unbelievably scary. And it should be. When you’re on the cusp of permanently altering a relationship within your life, it should not be done lightly or trivially. You need to make sure that what you’re doing is what you actually want to do. And, when it is, do it. Do not look back.

The good news is that, if you have done the cutoff properly with the right amount of diligence and effort, you will have no reason to ponder it after the fact. Do not search for something that is no longer there. That person is gone. They are not who you thought they were. You have no other reason to believe so. They should not be in your life. You have made the decision. Stand by it.

If you stand firm, and if you hold your ground, you will have a tremendous sense of peace about yourself after the fact. If a person wants to come back around, they will. They will show it. They will make it abundantly clear.

However, that does not mean you should go out looking for them. You shouldn’t. If you do the cutoff right, you are creating the possibility for attraction into your life, rather than subtraction. There is something better for you out there.

Seek, and you will find.

Own the Day,

Sam